Hospitals again and today's thoughts

I'm stuck in hospital. Again. And for the same reason. The lymph nodes under my jaw line have gotten enlarged due to some odd reason nobody knows of. Doctors are quite certain its virus based, so no antibiotics needed (though I'll explain later why I will need them) which also means there's no real treatment whatever it is. I'm getting Tamiflu - you know the stuff they use against influenza. It might and I hope it will have an effect and help me get rid of this at least for now, because I can't really eat or drink without strong painkillers (getting Tramal this time together with the basic paracetamol).

I also might have a urinary tract infection which is why, like I said, will need antibiotics at some point. I hope they'll give me some soon 'cause this is unbelieveably uncomfortable. Thankfully I have my laptop here so  I can bitch about all of this to you people out there reading my blog. Wohoo, I feel so lucky.
No but seriously, I feel lucky to have you guys, you mean the world to me, and I hope my urine doesn't scare you guys away, 'cause I need you in my life. 'kay? xoxo

I have my laptop, which gives me great pleasure here in the large three person room alone, while I sit by the window on my bed and wonder if I'll get out in a week or three this time round. Maybe I'll get a free pass for the rest of the year again. Positive thinking eh?
No but I'm scared. I'm seriously scared of this entire ordeal, because in the shortest time I've had the same problem and the same exact pain for the second time, and I just can't live like this. How can I go to school or work when every two months I have to stay in hospital for goodness knows how long?

I'm really glad I have my sedatives and all, since I'd be screwed without them, I wouldn't know what on earth to do or to think in this situation. They calm me a bit so I don't feel as distressed  as I would otherwise, because I really am scared of how my life will go with all these problems I have. I don't want to be a drop out just because I'm sick often! I want to be a normal person... 

I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have all this to worry about, if all my life just went around the normal day to day routines of getting up, working, going to sleep and that over and over again, without midnight phone calls to psychiatric wards or sudden moves towards the emergency room because I can't eat or drink anymore, I wonder. I wonder what my life would  be like and what kind of a person I'd be. Would I still listen to J-Rock, would I wear a Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt, would I have green hair?
Would I still have tattoos and long for a kitten?

Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Small Oblivion

  Sinking in to something that's not there, sinking into a world of chaos and torment, without knowledge of what will come or what has passed. It makes one see how precious every moment of happiness, every moment of content really is and how quickly that can change.

  Do not take life for granted for granted it shall not stay, it will break you apart as though you are a puppet and your master is pulling on each string till you are no more than broken pieces on a master's table.

  Into a small oblivion life shall always pass, for that is life in it's essence. Turmoil and agony and nothing better unless for a short period of time, when you are too blind to realise the horrid pain you will soon have to endure if you want to keep yourself sane in this world. This world is here to make you insane.

  I heard a small wisdom the other day - what if all this is made only to be a hell of another world, there are a series of hells and we are in one of them. Which level of hell would this world be? The one for the greedy or malevolent? The one for the heretics? The deepest plunge of hell, the last ring, the last level where the fallen angels try to find their way out again from this chaos that is our world.

  Time has passed, Time is a constant we all must endure for that is how our world has been constructed, but what it we would all just break away from those shackles of time and show the Lord above we are not to be messed with. What if we decide to live our lives in piece without the turmoil, without the agony, without the tyrant forces of hell that shake us to the very core of our existence.

  But wait. We are human.We will all plunge deep into our own abyss.

Where were you when my walls came falling down?

I remember all the bad things from my life. I remember all the pain and heartbreak I've endured over the years.

 Nothing says I love you more, than sitting beside you and comforting you when you're crying and hyperventilating, and you still know you can't help, but you do it anyway, because that's all you can do, and you know they know you love them because of it.

Always I just pressed my teeth together and went on with my life as if nothing had ever happened. That's always been my excuse. Get tough, smile and go on. Don't show your pain,  your sadness, your tears to anyone.

Because I had pain, I was sad, I cried alone. Sometimes months on end every night alone, promising myself that this was just sadness of some trauma I had endure, because those I have many, and it would go away.

It just accumulated. It went on like nothing ever would change. It's not easy trying to crawl from the rubble when all your walls have fallen and the roof fallen on you, it's not easy getting up and crawling your way out of anxiety and depression when you're the only one that knows anything happened. When you're the only one who noticed anything. When you refused to tell anyone.

I never told anyone how bad everything hurt, from my first boyfriend's suicide to my lymphoma and everything in between. My dad suspected but I didn't listen to him, I should have. I only got a bad temper. I always was a daddy's daughter, still am, temperamental. I get angry before I get sad.

But everyone needs help when they need to crawl out of all the rubble of a house. Where were you when someone's walls came falling down?

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.