30 Day Challenge - Future, first love and music!

So today I'm writing 3 days worth of answers, since I just feel like doing that, and I don't have much to say about any of the three questions.

Day 9 - How you hope your future will be like
I think I already kind of answered this question earlier, right? But hey, I want it to be to happy, filled with family and friends and I hope I'll be healthy Of course I also hope I'll own a nice house with loads of land surrounding it and have enough money to support all of that plus have extra to buy nice stuff.

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss
Well, I was 15 years old and so was he, it was really intense, we talked to each other non-stop all day long. We texted during school and then chatted online when we were home and then called each other every night: we were both under blankets so no one would hear we were talking to each other..And a 300 euro phone bill kinda proves how intense it was....I really loved him and I miss him every single day. I wish things hadn't ended the way they did, but at the same time I know it was his only way out.
My first kiss, however, was nothing special, I can't even remember who it was since it was in kindergarten.

Day 11 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
My iPod has been offline for so long that the battery is dead, so I can't really do that, but I'll write just FIVE  random songs here:
Rammstein - Los
Abney Park - Katyusha
Mozart - Eine kleine Nachtmusik
X Japan - Kurenai
Bring Me the Horizon - deathbeds

Hospitals again and today's thoughts

I'm stuck in hospital. Again. And for the same reason. The lymph nodes under my jaw line have gotten enlarged due to some odd reason nobody knows of. Doctors are quite certain its virus based, so no antibiotics needed (though I'll explain later why I will need them) which also means there's no real treatment whatever it is. I'm getting Tamiflu - you know the stuff they use against influenza. It might and I hope it will have an effect and help me get rid of this at least for now, because I can't really eat or drink without strong painkillers (getting Tramal this time together with the basic paracetamol).

I also might have a urinary tract infection which is why, like I said, will need antibiotics at some point. I hope they'll give me some soon 'cause this is unbelieveably uncomfortable. Thankfully I have my laptop here so  I can bitch about all of this to you people out there reading my blog. Wohoo, I feel so lucky.
No but seriously, I feel lucky to have you guys, you mean the world to me, and I hope my urine doesn't scare you guys away, 'cause I need you in my life. 'kay? xoxo

I have my laptop, which gives me great pleasure here in the large three person room alone, while I sit by the window on my bed and wonder if I'll get out in a week or three this time round. Maybe I'll get a free pass for the rest of the year again. Positive thinking eh?
No but I'm scared. I'm seriously scared of this entire ordeal, because in the shortest time I've had the same problem and the same exact pain for the second time, and I just can't live like this. How can I go to school or work when every two months I have to stay in hospital for goodness knows how long?

I'm really glad I have my sedatives and all, since I'd be screwed without them, I wouldn't know what on earth to do or to think in this situation. They calm me a bit so I don't feel as distressed  as I would otherwise, because I really am scared of how my life will go with all these problems I have. I don't want to be a drop out just because I'm sick often! I want to be a normal person... 

I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have all this to worry about, if all my life just went around the normal day to day routines of getting up, working, going to sleep and that over and over again, without midnight phone calls to psychiatric wards or sudden moves towards the emergency room because I can't eat or drink anymore, I wonder. I wonder what my life would  be like and what kind of a person I'd be. Would I still listen to J-Rock, would I wear a Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt, would I have green hair?
Would I still have tattoos and long for a kitten?

Cuteness Overload: Kitty cat version

All photos from Tumblr.

Day III: Midnight panic attack

This was the first night in a while when I actually slept thoroughly and saw a dream that didn't involve hospitals or being sick in any way.
Actually it was about a neighbour who came to show us a dead white rat (which looked more like a mix between a mouse and a moth) and told us that they'd a few years back found a small white kitten as well, and just knew it came from us since we had cats at that time.

Of course in the dream none of this seemed odd to me, not the fact that my neighbours weren't my neighbours, were talking of a kitten they'd got rid off and the fact that both our cats had been castrated males, so no kittens possible.
Anyway in the dream I was just plain saddened by the fact that we'd lost a cat we'd never even known about, but it all sort of felt okay and drank a cup of coffee with my neighbours.

Dreams, right? Never any logic.

Then I woke up, to pee I assume, but the second I woke up I remember I was in hospital and just started panicking. Crying and hyperventilating, and then all the pain in my jaw just hit me like a hammer, and all I could do was wait for the nurse to come and help me. I've never been able to stop a panic attack once they start without tranquillisers (thankfully today is Monday so I can talk about that breathing therapy the psychiatrist mentioned to me), so I just waited for painkillers for the jaw and knock outs for the panic.

And this is me now writing this completely relaxed and painfree after 6 mg Oxanest IM and a pill of Zyprexa. It's not really a tranquilliser at such, but it is against panic disorder and together with the strong opiates it worked rather well.
Why I'm still awake is a mystery, but oh well. Might as well be now, it's a hospital, I sleep when I want to.