Snow, ponds and feeling better

Still in the hospital and probably will be here for quite some time to come, but I feel a hell of a lot better. The cortison helped to take away some of the swelling in my neck and throat - my lymph nodes are a bit swollen still but not a lot anymore and they don't hurt that much anymore. My throat still hurts like a bitch, but at least now (finally) I'm getting actual painkillers. I managed to plead long enough for them to agree to give me oxycodone when I really need it. Which is only about twice a day now, since the swelling has gone down.

I'm getting my antibiotics through the IV but everything else I'll be taking as pills, which is awesome. And I'm allowed to eat now that I can (thanks to the painkillers) and I feel so incredibly happy just to be able to drink a bottle of coke without wanting to die. Before it felt like one gulp could tear my throat in two but now it feels completely normal with just a slight sting. Slight sting. Jesus, one day and this much progress! It's fantastic!

And I'm pretty sure I'll be getting to speak to a psychiatric nurse soonish - I did ask the first day I was here, but it didn't go further, but today during the doctors' rounds, they told me that yes they know and I should get to speak to someone at some point. Which is great, 'cause I've really been feeling quite anxious here. I haven't had the time to see my regular psychologist, so this is already long overdue to speak to someone, so I really can't wait to load things off my chest!

Now that I have the catheter on my neck, I don't need to have an IV in my arm or hand or anywhere, so I can actually use my hands normally again! Which again, fantastic! Hopefully I'll only miss a few days of school next week and not the entire week. I don't know yet though, but all my teachers are fine with this so I'm sure I can deal with the courses even if I end up missing the entire week. Hope not though, we have team projects and I feel bad about not being there.

Also I got a text message from my post office that two shoes that I ordered have arrived! I cannot wait. They're awesome!

Yes, this painkiller might be making me a tad hyper, but hey, I'm almost pain free! So I don't care what's making me hyper, I am happy.

Every day I go out for a walk (and sorry to say also a smoke) and today there's snow on the ground as well! It's really pretty. Aurora hospital, though in Helsinki, is a nice place: right on a hill, old buildings scattered around, small unkempt park with a pretty little pond. Went to see the pond today and it was frozen over!

Trigger Warning: Tattooed Thinspo

Again, you have been warned. Do not look further if this sort of imagery is detrimental to you.

Day III: Midnight panic attack

This was the first night in a while when I actually slept thoroughly and saw a dream that didn't involve hospitals or being sick in any way.
Actually it was about a neighbour who came to show us a dead white rat (which looked more like a mix between a mouse and a moth) and told us that they'd a few years back found a small white kitten as well, and just knew it came from us since we had cats at that time.

Of course in the dream none of this seemed odd to me, not the fact that my neighbours weren't my neighbours, were talking of a kitten they'd got rid off and the fact that both our cats had been castrated males, so no kittens possible.
Anyway in the dream I was just plain saddened by the fact that we'd lost a cat we'd never even known about, but it all sort of felt okay and drank a cup of coffee with my neighbours.

Dreams, right? Never any logic.

Then I woke up, to pee I assume, but the second I woke up I remember I was in hospital and just started panicking. Crying and hyperventilating, and then all the pain in my jaw just hit me like a hammer, and all I could do was wait for the nurse to come and help me. I've never been able to stop a panic attack once they start without tranquillisers (thankfully today is Monday so I can talk about that breathing therapy the psychiatrist mentioned to me), so I just waited for painkillers for the jaw and knock outs for the panic.

And this is me now writing this completely relaxed and painfree after 6 mg Oxanest IM and a pill of Zyprexa. It's not really a tranquilliser at such, but it is against panic disorder and together with the strong opiates it worked rather well.
Why I'm still awake is a mystery, but oh well. Might as well be now, it's a hospital, I sleep when I want to.