Behind a Lace Curtain

Today I've been feeling a lot less like myself. Again. A few days in a row. Or more like weeks. I don't feel the world the same way I did before, it feels like I'm watching everything through a curtain and only seeing parts of it. Or I'm in some way only a part of the world and not really in it. Not in any real way.

I don't know why these thoughts bother me so much, because my life hasn't really changed at all since  I got home from hospital and, yeah, life's pretty much routine around here. That should help, right? I know it should. It has before. But now, I don't feel like myself, I don't even feel the world is the same anymore, and I truly do not know why I think this.

I don't notice a difference, only that there must be one for me to feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've already gone through my panic attack pills, 'cause I keep getting them, but I can't get anymore pills so it's either panic attack and hospital (which in itself is enough to make me shiver already), or just try and suck it up or sit in my room for a day hyperventilating. Those are my options. None seems nice for me right now. I don't know what to do.

I should probably call the hospital. I know I should if I feel like this. I just don't want to. I hate hospitals, they freak the living shit out of me. And mental hospitals even more. They're like prisons. You get stripped searched while hyperventilating. It's horrible.
And I don't want to go. And I don't want to bother my dad. So this is it. Suck it up and sit in my room.

My room doesn't even have any curtains. I can't hide anywhere. All the thoughts will always follow me wherever I go. I can't save myself from them, I have to learn to live with them.